what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
