I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
