i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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