You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
