i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
