When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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