she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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