i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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