i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
