We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He passed out mid-signature
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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