You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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