Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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