My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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