$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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