woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
