We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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