Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
