Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
