Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
