When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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