You just made me feel so damn special
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
