im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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