I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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