i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
