im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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