mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
