Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
