I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
