so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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