I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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