The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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