"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
