He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
