he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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