EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
