I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
