You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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