ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
