if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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