if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
