My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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