What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
