I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
