my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
