mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize