i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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