i think my tv is drunk
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
