thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
