Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
