i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
