Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
