the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
