Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
