Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
