Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
