My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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