The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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