If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
