I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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