I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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