put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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