only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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