Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
