drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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