I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
